i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
