fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize