i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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