Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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