3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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