I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
