His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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