Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
