He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
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