You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
