Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
