it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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