I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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