he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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