i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
