I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
