Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
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