you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
