I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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