you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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