I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
