Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Randomize
