Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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