Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
