I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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