We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
