I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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