apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
