I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
