i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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