i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
