I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I cockslap morals
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
