When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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