You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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