So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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