I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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