Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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