call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
