My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Ketchup is God's man juice
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
