The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
