i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
