is your mom at the bar?
there's paper in my vomit.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
