My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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