she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
