WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
