After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
