He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
