you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
