The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
