so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
The best revenge is premature balding
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
