I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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