I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
