I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
