I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
