Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
