He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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