Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
